We were torn after The Walking Dead season eight’s opening episode ‘Mercy’. Might The Walking Dead have pulled it out of the hat, finally, and started back on track to the glory days?
After watching episode two, ‘The Damned,’ we’re leaning towards thinking this season is actually going to be terrible after all.
What follows is said more in sorrow than in anger. We love this show, but what is going on?
Sure, there’s more shooting and stuff – but that increasingly seems like it’s there to distract us from the fact the writing team don’t actually know what they’re doing.
No wonder it feels like there’s less zombie drama on the show at the moment, because what does a zombie crave most? Brains. And this episode didn’t have much to spare.
Here are 23 elements of ‘The Damned’ that struck us as weird…
1. Is this whole season going to be a punishment for fans who wanted less talking?
Exec: ‘They want more action? Well, that’s all they’re going to have, then. That’ll teach them!’
So much gunfire, so little forward motion.
2. How did that Saviour arrive at the decision that going to the toilet in his trousers (sorry, ‘pants’) would help sell him as someone worth saving?
3. Like, what was the decision-making process there?
4. Did he plan ahead, and spend most of the day drinking water?
5. Why are the Saviours obsessed with going to the toilet in their pants? That’s two references in two episodes by two different people.
6. When the Pee Saviour (one of the lesser known Avengers) inevitably took Jesus prisoner, did Jesus forget he’s a TOTAL BADASS NINJA?
7. Because you remember that time Jesus was in a similar situation with Rick, and instantly got out of it by shrugging him off and kicking his ass? Jesus has clearly forgotten that time.
‘The Walking Dead’: Jesus
© GENE PAGE/AMC
8. Who was that lady talking to when she said: “They didn’t have to advance on us!” Because if it wasn’t the television audience, then she has an imaginary friend.
9. Also, while we’re on that lady, why didn’t she even try to get away from that slow-moving zombie before it bit her neck off? She had fully ages to get away, and just sat there. Was she tired?
10. When Ezekiel said: “Fake it till you make it, baby” is that something that was said in the writers’ room to the other writers, and they decided to write it into the show?
11. When Morgan said: “I don’t die” has he read the scripts in advance, or are the writers setting up an ironic death for the character? This is not something a human would actually say. It’s something a vampire might say, but not a human.
(Technically it’s a line stolen from Andrea in the comics – yeah, she’s still alive there – but it makes way more sense in the context.)
12. What saved Morgan from being shot at point-blank range first, his armour-armour (which looks like BMX gear), or his plot-armour?
13. When did Morgan turn into John Wick?
14. Seriously, who trained him to be an expert marksman as well as aikido master?
15. Is Jesus deaf? How did he not hear Morgan shooting in the corridor that led to the hostages?
16. Who does Jesus think he is basically telling Morgan: “All life is precious?” Morgan knows that, dude. He’s thought about it quite a lot. He goes on about it all the time, until he changes his mind, and now we have no more idea who Morgan is than Lennie James presumably does.
17. Is that baby a very heavy sleeper? Because how did it not wake up with all that fighting going on? Could it possibly be because a crying baby would spoil the BIG REVEAL?
18. Is Rick going to pretend that baby is his like he did with Judith? Are we going to find out this is a stealth show about being a single parent?
19. Is the next episode going to be titled ’20 Hostages And A Baby?’
20. Why did Rick say: “Your name’s Morales. You were in Atlanta” if not to telegraph it to viewers who don’t remember this utterly insignificant character? And why didn’t Morales reply: “Yeah, I know that”?
21. Do the writers think they’ve made us think Rick is going to die? Because we do not think Rick is going to die.
22. What was that montage of close-ups of faces supposed to signify at the end? Are we really supposed to care about Daryl’s situation in this episode enough to want to tune in next week to see it resolved? Wait, are they trying to turn this show into 24?
23. They’re totally trying to turn this show into 24.